A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."|
Johnny looks up but says nothing.
"How old are you?"
"Six," Johnny says.
"Six? When did you start smoking?"
"Right after the first time I got laid."
"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."
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To a Man, the Meaning of Success Depends on His Age:
At age 4, . . . success is . . . not peeing in his pants
At age 16, . . . success is . . . "gettin' a little"
At age 50, . . . success is . . . about career and family
At age 65, . . . success is . . . "gettin' a little"
At age 90, . . . success is . . . not peeing in his pants
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A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm!
The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
"I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"
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The Future - As Seen In the 1950s
1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."+ + + + + + + +
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"
5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."
11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."
13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
15. Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"
23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
28. The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."
35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."