Of Bananas And Trains
Two blondes were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into her banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain. |
In the darkness was overheard, "Did you take a bite of your banana?"
"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."
Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today."
Wife: "Why, Honey?"
Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless."
Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of people think you're useless."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.
So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor an asshole!"
After a two week criminal trial of a Jesse James bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the Jesse jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
Jesse James, with a bewildered look on his face, and then turns to his attorney and says, "I'm confused... does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
Is It Paddy?
Mick and Sean are walking down a Dublin street when a huge explosion happens in a bar and a head rolls out onto the footpath.
Sean picks up the head by the hair and holds it at eye level and says "Ah Begorrah, doesn't that just look like Paddy."
Mick looks carefully then replies, "Nooo. He's not that tall"
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means.
A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!"