Yiddish speaking Chinese Man
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything and so forth.|
The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish.
"Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says..."Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car,when he spotted the world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor, please come on over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic where he stood. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So doctor, look at this here. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The doctor smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running!!"
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too cold, and so it went for about a half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Lighting One Up
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and lights up.
The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."
The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb... that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."