A Canadian, a Russian and an American all wanted to show off to each other so they each bought a new toilet. The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet.|
The next day, the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off of it."
The day after that, the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."
The next day, the American came and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem and I have to stand up."
WHICH ARE YOU?
Japan agreed to surrender unconditionally to the Allies. The decision, which brought an end to the most costly war in human history, came after a momentous week that saw two U.S. atomic bombs dropped on Japan and a declaration of war by the Soviets.
An American and Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of 'ese' are you?"
The Japanese confused replied, "Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of 'ese' are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of 'ese' are you? Are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, or what?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' he was.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of 'key' am I?"
The Japanese asked, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
A few Jokes A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English Dictionary?"
The doorbell rang again. Little Maury answered it, and there was a man standing there.
"Hello, little boy," said the man. "Is your mother at home?"
"No, but Aunty Perfesser is," said little Maury. "May I tell her who is here?"
"I'm from the Jehovah's Witnesses," the man replied.
"Aunty Perfesser!" called little Maury, turning toward the back of the house. "It's that Fuller Shit man again!"
After tucking little Maury in for bed one night, his Uncle Perfesser heard sobbing coming from his room. Calling Aunty MrsPerfesser, and rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.
Uncle Perfesser, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from little Maury's ear... well, he was just delighted!
In a flash, he snatched it from his uncle's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Uncle Perfesser!