Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll and begin to discuss the wedding, where they should register for gifts, who to invite, where to have the reception, all of the usual stuff. On the way they pass a drugstore and Jacob suggests they go in.|
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
"We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do."
"How about medicine for circulation?"
"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
"How about Viagra?"
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
"Yes, a large variety. The works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol?"
"And do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Great!" says Jacob. "We'd like to register here, please."
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase..."
A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to The doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?"
He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy."
"And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"
"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy.
"And what is Mommy's real name?"
And little Timmy says, "it's Tammy."
"That is great," the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"
Timmy said, "it is daddy."
Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?"
Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "Asshole."
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it."
The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."